Pushing People Away

Have you ever really analysed yourself about how you react to certain situations? Just me then…

Well ever since all that stuff with my mum I’ve found that, for lack of a better phrase, I’m just messed up. It’s been just over a week since she phoned me with the dreaded “I’ve found a lump” and tomorrow it’ll be a week since she text me with the all clear so really, I should be fine now. But I’m not.

The first thing I noticed is my alcohol tolerance has gone out the window. Given that alcoholism is a family trait, I’m always paying attention to my drinking habits and though I do enjoy a “quiet drink” in the pub it’s more of the likelihood of that quiet drink turning into a loss of memory the next day. Generally, I’m quite good. The night before my mum’s day in hospital I did admittedly go out with the intention of getting very drunk, but when the first club shut at 2pm and my friends wanted to continue the night I knew I had to draw a line.  However, the last few nights I’ve been out and ended up forgetting the majority of the events.

Another sign that something’s not right is my anxiety is playing up. I’ll be sat thinking about nothing in particular and suddenly feel the urge to hide away and cry. Now, I don’t think about depressing things or anything like that, if I was I wouldn’t be so concerned but I’ll be sitting in the library and suddenly be overcome with the urge to cry. It’s weird to explain unless you’ve felt it. My ability to space out when I’m sat with a group of people is becoming more and more often too, even if my friend’s in the middle of a conversation I’ll zone out completely unintentionally and end up looking every awkward when they’re expecting an answer!

Sleep is become a thing of the past. I don’t have insomnia or anything, and I’ll have a good 12 hours, but they’re a very restless 12 hours. I’ll wake up in the morning feeling like I’ve simply been lying there, awake, the entire night. I must be tossing and turning because I’ll wake up tangled in my bedcovers. Bad dreams are becoming more common, though I have no memory of them. I’ve even started cutting down on the amount of caffeine I drink but it doesn’t seem to be making a difference- expect the fact I’ll be dying of tiredness in work.

But the scariest aspect of all of this is my ability to push people away just as I really need my friends. Like, I don’t think I do it on purpose- but I’ve become a lot more aggressive when I’m drunk, and a lot more confrontational over petty matters. I seem to be causing arguments with ease at the minute, or making sarcastic comments as if I’m testing people. It’s not like I’m wanting to lose all of my friends, and even as I’m doing all of this I’m scolding myself but I can’t seem to be able to help it. It’s as if my brain and mouth just aren’t connected. Or my emotions are running amuck.

I hope this passes soon since it’s only been a week as I said. But I could really do with my normal attitude returning sooner than later in all honesty, this is even testing my own patience never mind everyone around me!

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